Thursday, February 7, 2013

Ripping Off Bobby D Doesn't Go Exactly To Plan

-I'm telling you the place is packed every night. It's gotta be a goldmine.
-Phone 'em up, try book a fucking table then?
-Yeah. You can't it's booked solid. People in this town, they go nuts for a new restaurant, and this one, with De Niro backing it, you know how New Yorkers love Bobby?
-Fucking A, Yeah. Arh fuck you Sal if yous don't want in, I'll get that crew of Micks from over Middle Village  do it with me.
-No, no, no, no , no, no. I never said I wasn't interested alls I'm doing is asking questions. Make sure you've got your shit together. Ain't having no fuckin Micks knock Bobby D over. No fuckin way!

The late model Caddy pulled into the Tribeca side street and parked outside a one time warehouse. Tendy fucking lofts now for rich people who wouldn't have even walked down here 10 years ago. These sidewalks are mobbed with strollers and babies and mommies and nannies by day and at night the beautiful people come out to eat in some fancy restaurants and feel 'edgy' for a few hours.  Edgy, downtown. They wanna feel edgy they should try get some chicken wings in East New York or Brownsville at 3 a.m. Fuck 'em, they'll feel edgy tonight alright.

-You sure this is it then?
- Yeah, look Nobu just like it says in the Zagat.
-Alright alls we do now then is wait.

The two goons slink down in their seats and wait for the restaurant to empty. 2:15 it says in the Zagat.
- Hey Sal, Sal wake up, they're locking the place up.
-Ok  here we go then. you ready?
-Yeah Sal, let's do this.

-Hey buddy! Sal bangs on the window while his partner hides out of sight, his shooter drawn.
-Hey buddy, I left my wallet at my table, can yous let me in, it'll only take a minute?
The porter stops sweeping the floor and unlocks the front door of the restaurant. The two robbers push their way in past him, guns drawn and trained on the hapless porter.
-Alright motherfuckas get the manager out here or this fucking spic gets it!
-Where's the fucking dude with the money? Get him out here.
-Please! Please don't shoot me! Oh God I... Please, I'm just the porter, I clean, I wash put out the garbage, please!

From the kitchen a waiter emerges...
-Oh shit! Fuck...
-You! You motherfucka hand over the money. Get the takings now!
-Oh shit, erm, err
-Now you piece of shit don't fuck about!
- There isn't any
- What? You some kindof fucking clown, yanking my chain? What the fuck? Cash now or the wet back gets it.
- Please no don't hurt me! My family,my...
- Shut the fuck up! Get the fucking money now!
- Please, seriously, oh God don't shoot him, there isn't any money, we don't take money, it's all creditcards. Please.
-What? What the fuck do you mean?
-We, we, we just don't take cash. Nobu's not that kind of place.
-Huh? What the?
- Hey Sal I didn't know I...
- Shut the fuck up and get the fuck out of here now!

The two would be robbers run to the Caddy, jump in and screech away into the night, headed for the Brooklyn Bridge.

-Hey Sal if I knew, I swear. I... I...
- Shut the fuck up and pass me that Zagats you fucking  fuck you..
- Honest Sal, I... Here, here..
-Nobu. Nobu. Nobu. 27/30. Decor 9. Food 9. Service 9...
-See I told you it was a good spot...
- Cost $$$$ Expensive. Credit cards only. You dumb fuck.


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